Flirty Friday Flirting Tips

I hooked up with my husband when I was fifteen, so my memories of flirting are very John Hughes: staring longingly across the cafeteria at the popular high school senior. Keep that image in mind when I tell you this: Not too long ago, one of my pals got a divorce and was, in her effort to define and gain confidence in her post-marriage self, thinking about hitting the bar scene. But she had a problem. She confessed that she'd been with her (recent) ex for so long that she no longer remembered how to flirt. She asked me for advice.

Surely I, as a writer of salacious things, would be able to help her. Er, good thing you can't see me blushing in my complete humiliation. Undaunted, I did what I usually do in situations like this: I went a'Googling. And yowie, the things I found out!

The Best Internet Advice on Flirting

1. Stock up on cologne, breath fresheners, and lip gloss. (Never mind that there's a whole segment of the population that is either allergic to or can't stand the aforementioned chemical-o-rama.)

2. Lower your expectations. (Now there's some good advice for folks already on the low end of the confidence spectrum.)

3. Look nervous, but don't be nervous. (That is, play with your hair, nibble your lips, giggle for no good reason, and fidget, but don't worry about the bleak inevitable looming failure.)

4. Pretend to be offended or annoyed with the person you wish to entice. In addition, this expert advises invading your target's personal space and in general being as sitcom irritating as you possibly can. Try poking, punching, and insulting, too. (I am assuming this is fourth-grade advice, but it looked pretty literate for the ten-year-old set.)

5. Preen. "Try some hair stroking, posture enhancing, neck exposing, hip tilting (if standing), clothes straightening or lip licking -- all with the intention of calling attention to [your] attractiveness."

In the end, my friend chose to do none of these things. She asked a guy pal to come over and watch some sci-fi TV reruns, and lo! they've been married a few years now. I deeply suspect that the Internet experts are a little off when it comes to stoking romance.