Writerly Wednesday- Intro to BDSM

In the last six months or so, I have indulged my reading appetite with a new genre of stories. It kicked off with Roscoe James’ Orion, which is excellent, and kept on going from there. The story that really provoked my muse to join up in this category of romance was Tymber Dalton’s The Reluctant Dom.

So, there I was with an open word doc, a plot idea, and a delicious hero named Trent. When the story begins, he’s in a playroom at a fetish club, packing up his “gadgets.” After a few pages, I realized I had no idea what I was getting myself into. So, thus began my research.

Today, I wanted to share what I found out about BDSM. I’m going to call it BDSM 101, and it's all about the basic things within the “scene.” (I'm not sure if RWBB has posted a more in depth entry about BDSM before this, but in that event, consider this is your refresher course!) If you are familiar with this lifestyle and find anything I list erroneous, please feel free to correct me. I want to be as accurate as possible and share the wonderful little aspects of this community with everyone here at RWBB.

First up: Terminology.

· Master, Top, Dominant- I was surprised to learn that these titles are not
synonymous. Someone can be all three, or choose to just be a Top.

o Master- This is the dominant partner in a total power exchange relationship

o Top- This is the person who is in charge of administering some form of stimulation, pain, or pleasure. However, this control is not of the psychological kind.

o Dominant- Psychological control is an important trait for a Dom. It includes power over another person, and issuing orders which are to be obeyed.

· Slave, Bottom, Submissive- Again, these are not all one in the same.

o Slave- This person sees giving up their total power to someone as part of who they are. It is almost a complete way of life.

o Bottom- This is someone who may control exactly how much and the circumstances he or she will receive some form of stimulation.

o Submissive- A person who seeks a position or is in a role of intentional, consensual powerlessness, allowing another person to take control over him or her.

· BDSM- This means more than I thought it did.

o B/D- Bondage and discipline

o D/s- Dominance and submission

o SM- Sadomasochism

· Aftercare- A period of time after intense BDSM activity in which the dominant partner cares for the submissive partner.*

· APE/TPE- This is a transfer of control and power to someone for some duration of time or
even indefinitely.

o APE- Absolute power exchange

o TPE- Total power exchange (This is often referred to as the lifestyle or 24/7)

· Spanking/striking instruments:

o Bat- Thin flexible instrument of leather

o Crop- Used for striking, it is rigid but flexible with a handle at one end and a small leather loop at the other.

o Floggers- Types of device with lashes on it

§ Cat o’ nine tails

§ Dread coosh

§ Fire whip

§ Singletail

Safeword- A code word used to stop ongoing activity. They are often used in scenes of non-consent, for safety’s sake.

· Scene- 1. A specific period of BDSM activity; as in, We had a scene lasting about two hours last night. 2. Colloquial The BDSM community as a whole. 3. In the scene- participating in the organized BDSM community.*

· Sensation play- An activity in which unusual sensations are used as stimuli. For instance, being blind-folded while applying ice cubes.

· Shibari- Extremely elaborate and intricate patterns of rope tying, often used both to restrain and to stimulate the subject by binding or compressing the breasts and/or genitals. Shibari is an art form; the aesthetics of the bound person and the bondage itself are considered very important.*

· Safety: Being prepared for an emergency is one of those FAQs about BDSM I had no clue about. Some sites even go to lengths listing what should be brought in a medical bag, in order to make sure that no one gets hurt, or if something crazy happens, there are first aid supplies handy. Talk about “safe-sex.”

I know this is just the tip of the BDSM iceberg. There is so much more to be found within the society. I wanted to share with you a few things I was surprised by during my research.

First, while I was reading about dominant/submissive relationships, I found out that BDSM is varied within its own sub-culture. Furthermore, it isn’t about the Dom getting what he/she wants, it is about what the Sub wants. The Dom is in charge of giving that to the submissive. A
BDSM dominant is concerned above all else with the needs and desires of the submissive.*

Second, in order for the relationship to work, the dominant must be attuned to the submissive. He/she can’t be self-centered or seeking only his or her own gratification. It requires empathy to be in that control position.

Third, the aspects of this relationship are often driven by the submissive, not by the dominant. The submissive is in charge of instituting limits; deciding what can and can not be experienced, and has the capability to end the scene. The dominant, for the most part, is simply
a facilitator. It's the dominant's responsibility to create a setting where the people involved can explore the submissive's fantasies.

That third revelation above is where my muse went into high-gear. As a romance author, the potential for building such a relationship is quite attractive. Some of the suggestions for scenes that I read were highly erotic while some were gentle, seductive, and all about pleasure.

I hope to incorporate what I have found in my research within my new novel. If you would like to learn more, check out the following links but be warned…These are not work safe.

Bondage Fun Safe, Sane, Consentual Bondage Gear

* I would like to give credit for the quotes and information here which is offered by a Dominant named Franklin. He asked that all quotes be used verbatim. His site, Xeromag.com, has an amazing amount of information regarding the scene, presented in a concise manner. Check it out for the huge glossary of terms and FAQs regarding BDSM.

Also, the picture is from kindlevixen's tumblr #smutclub.

Christa