Tuesday, September 28, 2010

A Vampire Exclusive

Good just-before-sunset (we don't call it Twilight anymore, do we?), folks. Vivien Jackson here. Christa Paige was going to post, but she got side-tracked. (Probably by a vampire. Or a uniformed officer of the law.)

Like many of you, I've been reading a lot of this "paranormal romance" stuff lately. It's fascinating, enlightening, and more often than not it sets mah e-book reader on fire. In a good way. However, like many readers and writers in the genre, I've had my questions about parts of it. So I phoned up an expert -- because I know so dang many -- and got the skinny on the nibbly. Hold on to yer broomsticks, witches!

I have with me tonight one Mikhail Komar. He's a So-Cal vampire who's made some cameo appearances in Christa Paige's Blood Vine books. He's also dark, ripped, and blue-eyed. Basically deep-fried sexy. Moreover, Mikhail has agreed to set us straight on all things vamp. Lucky us!


Vivien Jackson: Hi. You're pretty.

Mikhail Komar: Come again? Let’s talk about this pretty thing.

VJ: Pretty old, I mean. Pretty old. Right? Exactly how old are we talkin?

MK: I’m the baby of the family and coming up on my century and a half birthday. It’s going to be a big bash. Since I used to devise many ways to flirt with the coterie of the Grand Duchess Maria, I’d say I’m old enough.

VJ: Grand Duchess… okaaaay. That qualifies as old. And your full name is Mikhail Komar. What kind of name is that?

MK: It comes from the aristocratic lineage of my forbears who settled in Abkhazia. Any vampire with that name is proud and noble.

VJ: Abkhazia. Wow, that's a lot of consonants. Does anybody ever call you Misha?

MK: Misha? Anyone else would not get away with calling me that but for you, doll, I’ll make an exception.

VJ: Pardon me whilst I blush. There. I feel better now. Soooo, next question: Those Sookie books posit a hypothetical world where all you vamps are out of the closet.

MK: What’s in the closet? Maybe I’d like to stay in there. Right now, there’s too much danger in Los Angeles for us to reveal anything about our people. I’ll excuse your humanity for not understanding the threat.

VJ: Have you read the books or seen True Blood? Got any thoughts on 'em?

MK: We play shots whenever the show comes on. Sleeping in a coffin, one low-ball straight up. Implosions require one shot and a chaser. Sizzling silver, yeah that one incurs a couple fingers of scotch. The hawt sex… too bad they haven’t asked me to join the show. I’ve got some ideas there. If I met Eric, though, I’d shake his hand. Dude has a great grasp of foreign languages and runs a tight ship. I’d stop being a namby pamby tho and take Sookie as mine. Nothing doin if you let someone else bang what’s yours.

VJ: Who would win, a vampire, a werewolf, or SpiderMan?

MK: I can read thoughts Miz Jackson “Ab-licious” Really? Might want to clear your mind of ripped abdomens. I’d be happy to show you mine to give you an idea of perfection. A vampire of course would win, fangs down.

VJ: *more with the blushing* To the best of your knowledge, are there werewolves?

MK: I’ve been alive for a very long time. Never seen any person morph into a poof ball. Imagine how sucky that would be. One minute human, the next scratching for fleas or worse licking one’s…. *shudders* If I ever met a werewolf, provided he isn’t Native American because I am sure there are Bill of Rights rules about that, I’d domesticate it and be sure to have it housebroken before allowing it on the furniture.

VJ: Demons?

MK: Have you met my eldest brother Ivan? I believe evil roams this earth, roaring like a hungry lion. Is it a demon stalking you in the deep, dark of night? Or a rogue angel? Perhaps. I’ve seen horrible atrocities, Miss Jackson, I have no doubt Demons are at work, and evil is insidious.

VJ: Fairies?

MK: I live in West Hollyweird, but I don’t think you mean those types. TinkerBell I’ve heard won’t exist if I say there are no fairies. I’m ok with all-out murdering of assholes and slitting the throats of half-breed bastards who harm my sister, but I won’t take the rap for slaying TinkerBell. Can’t have that on my eternal conscience.

VJ: The tooth fairy?

MK: Do you know, the Fang Fairy leaves C-notes? I would have loved catching that hot little fairy when she came to collect my canines. She could reward me any way she pleased.

VJ: Team Edward or Team Jacob?

MK: Neither. Have you seen the way they dress? And what’s with the Volvo? Soccer moms, sparkly or not, drive in hatchbacks. I’ve got a Testarossa, wanna take a spin in it with me? I’ll go fast, or really slow. But, honestly, Jacob at least has balls and seems to use ‘em. I don’t support any male vampire who lets a woman lead him around by the dick. Gotta vamp up, take advantage of the superiority.

VJ: I will endeavor to stop visualizing you in a Ferrari. Or leading you around by genitalia. *endeavoring* Ah, now I feel better. Do you ever worry about the Feds finding out about your cannibalistic practices?

MJ: Don’t you know cannibalism is the new black? I believe you have been reading those horror novels, again. I’d be happy to show you what it means to have a vampire dine on you….

VJ: *endeavoring* Have you or your kind ever run afoul of governments because you, you know, eat people?

MK: *glowers* We do not eat people. America doesn’t even know we exist, so no afoul running there. We have had our dealings with Russia, but those are handled by the fang-squad internally on a need to know basis. Sorry, but you don’t need to know.

VJ: … about that. Check. Okay: Does virgin blood taste better?

MK: Human blood is human blood: ordinary. I stay far away from virgin Kan Asma females, though. Biting one of them and sipping from her vein means curtains for my bachelor-hood. My brother Traian declares there is nothing as sweet tasting as an innocent mate. I’ll simply take his word for it.

VJ: You have special powers, right? What's yours?

MK: *reaches over to touch Miss Jackson* I can wield currents of energy and manipulate them into a heat source. Very handy during sexcapades. Women love what I can do with the simple stroke of my fingertip. Feel it?

VJ: *ENDEAVORING* What about shapeshifting into a bat? Can you do that?

MK: Right, can you turn into a squirrel? No? Well, we are a people similar to humans. Same physical make-up only with better genetics. Our Híbe talents run the gamut, but no one has ever turned into a bat. My sister has an affinity for romance novels with shapeshifting dragons, but we don’t have that power either. I may look civilized, Miss Jackson, but I don’t need to morph into an animal to scare the shit out of someone. My fangs will do the job all by their lonesome.

VJ: Mirrors: can I see you in one or not?

MK: *quirks an eyebrow and mutters about vampire lore* I might have a wicked, soul but I assure you that has nothing to do with seeing a reflection or not. How else could I get this scruffy perfection and precisely clipped goatee? Its vamp-scaping to the fullest and I do need a mirror to achieve such excellence.

VJ: Do you have one over your bed?

M: Wanna come over and see if I do?

VJ: Sorry, that was inappropriate. MuchlikethethoughtsI'mhaving. Anyhoo...

MK: I like your thoughts, let’s indulge them. I’m especially intrigued by the one with the belt and cuffs. Oh and chocolate too. Why Miss Jackson you do have a naughty, dirty mind. You should come over sometime.

VJ: If I eat garlic and then you suck me, do you have to use an EpiPen?

MK: Are you offering, then? Want to try it out? I’d have to sip from you long and hard to make sure. We can add some wine to sweeten things up a bit. *smirks with a hint of fang.* Is that another blush? Very nice. Okay, I’ll play fair. The only thing I’m allergic to is the sun.

VJ: Tangentially, is "suck me" the correct terminology or "bite me"?

MK: Either one works like an invitation, doll. I’m so there, fangs a’ready. Just tip your head to the side, a little bit more…

VJ: Sure. Yes. I mean, good to know! Are you cold or warm to the touch?

MK: I’m hotter than a Texan on a T-bone steak.

VJ: Can I check to make sure you didn't just fib me?

MK: *pulls shirt up* Take your time.

VJ: Ummm hmmmm. Finally, the last question of the night: How do you get from LA to Australia without getting crispy fried by sunlight?

MK: Layovers aren’t just for quickies in the bathroom…. Ah, okay, you want me to answer seriously. Well, I’ve never been down under, so I have no anecdotal information there. It takes a lot of planning to ensure we don’t get caught ass bare in the sun. But with internet check-ins and a variety of flights to choose from, only stupid vampires would go non-stop into a radiation fry-fest.

Now, if that’s all, thank you, Miss Jackson, for visiting me tonight. Would you like to stay until sunrise? I’ll make it worthwhile….
--
Well, there was going to be more to the interview, but I got sidetracked. Still: See? Informative! And I didn't even ask him if he sparkles.

**Thanks Vivien for taking Mikhail off my hands for a while. He can be a trouble-maker. I hope you had fun. If not, I could find some creative ways to punish him. Let's see, wonder if it's time to have Mikhail meet his mate?

3 comments:

Mary Quast said...

*fans self*.... bite me.

Lynne Roberts said...

Oh my! wonderful interview. Thank you.

Savanna Kougar said...

Vamp-scaping?

Wow, nothing like an 'underground' interview with a real live, or is that dead, vampire.

Thanks, Vivien. AND, THANKS! Mikhail!!!