Thursday, May 3, 2012

13 Rules for Dating Immortals

An Immortal Viking demi-god.
When you date an immortal, it's not like dating a regular guy. This goes for all types of immortals, including fey folk, vampires, the undead, some time travelers, viking demi-gods, certain types of aliens, and genetically enhanced warriors such as the Sempervians.* Often, immortals have lived hundreds if not thousands of years, so here are several things to keep in mind.

  1. Immortals value time, but not in the way that you do. Depending on the era in which he was born (among other things), he may never pick you up on time, or may never be late. Whichever way it goes, accept it as the way he is and try to deal with it. Which brings us to point two...
  2. If the guy you're dating is a Sempervian, don't expect him to change overnight. They were genetically created to be "set in their ways". Habits of a year or two are hard to break; imagine changing habits ingrained at birth and then developed over millennia.
  3. Accustom yourself to being told what to do. It's nothing personal. While immortals are likely to believe you know what you're doing -- they tend to see everyone as babes next to them.
  4. It's okay to offer advice, but be prepared to be ignored at first. Especially if the guy you're dating is unaccustomed to the current era. For example, if he's a recently risen undead or vampire who's been entombed for centuries. The modern time period has different rules from the one in which they were last... well, living.
  5. Expect to be showered with gifts. Many immortals have accumulated wealth over the centuries and may think nothing of spending a few thousand on a trinket for the one they love. Immortals do not give zircons - they prefer diamonds.
  6. Be aware that if your immortal is a shapeshifter, such as some classes of Sempervian, you might need dress in layers. Why? If you date a guy who can shift into dragon form and expects you to hop on his back and hang on while he flies you to another location, it helps to pack a sweater.
  7. On the subject of clothing, consider not wearing T-shirts with certain slogans or icons. For example, if you're dating an immortal from mythology, donning the latest Avenger T-shirt with Thor's hammer on the front might not get rave reviews. Not all the gods and demi-gods saw him as a hero, you know. ;)
  8. On that subject, Iron Man T-shirts might appeal to a lot of guys, but if you're dating an immortal bad boy who fought against him in an alternate universe, it might be problematic to explain.
  9. If your immortal shapeshifter is a fire-breather such as a dragon, fire god, certain aliens, or a victim of cosmic radiation [Human Torch anyone?], watch certain phrases, especially ones such as "light my fire" or a passionate "get me hot, babe." Some shapeshifters tend to be literal-minded when it comes to their abilities.
  10. Special note for dating immortal weres: if they have an alternate shape than entails fur, carry a lint brush and avoid complaints about "shedding." 'Nuff said.
  11. For undead relationships (especially zombies), it might be wise to wear a corsage made with fresh flowers. Fragrant flowers, if you get my drift...
  12. It's okay to give your immortal gifts. Weres might like a nice brush for their coat (especially if you spend time using it on them - they love being touched in a sensual way), and the rumor that dragons love shiny things is true, but be careful about giving flowers to certain types of immortals (see #11). Vampires might equate flowers with gravesites, and some weres might think you're offering them a snack.
  13. Immortals Love Sex
  14. Be prepared to have sex. Immortals love sensuality and sexually attuned women. Okay, come to think about it, this point works while dating any guy!
*Sempervians: genetically enhanced warriors from Earth's twenty-sixth century, written about by Kayelle Allen

SPECIAL NOTE: If you're a guy who's dating an immortal guy -- watch for a special coming in two weeks: 13 Rules for Dating a Gay Immortal.
Any tips you can offer for dating immortals? Especially if you've read (or written) a book about one! I'd love to hear your ideas.


Gem Sivad said...

What an awesome list. I haven't dated a vamp or a shifter...the undead I'm not sure about. :)

Michele Hart said...

I am just starting to date a monster now. Not an immortal monster. One day the planes will shoot him down from a tall building, but that's way in the future.

Thank you for the rules. I will incorporate them into my relationship with Gigantor. (I'm serious. He makes me call him The Great Gigantor.) Love it!

Best wishes to all!
Michele Hart

hotcha12 said...


lisekimhorton said...

Handy tips every lusty heroine should have! Thanks for the grins.

Kayelle Allen said...

Gem, you don't know what you're missing! Seriously. ;) Give it a shot.

Michelle, I heard he's like that. Big ego. Huge! Good luck with that one. (ps. also heard other things are huge. wink)

Hotcha, Hang around here. The immortals seem to flock at certain times of the year. You never know!

Pauline B Jones said...

I think I'll stick with the hubs! LOL!

Savanna Kougar said...

Fabulous and fun list, Kayelle. I love writing immortals, or the very long-lived and long-loved.

Then there's the Highlander as played by Adrian Paul... one of my very fave immortals.

What to add? the art of living life itself and how that translates in our times, or whatever universe you create.

I wish I could be more specific, but the ole noodle isn't cooperating. ~smiles~

Lisabet Sarai said...

Great post, Kayelle!

But you didn't mention the likelihood that your date will engage you in some activity highly likely to cause your death: climbing tall buildings, flying through the air, driving fast, etc. etc. Men have a tendency to take risks anyway, but those immortals - well, when you can't die you tend to forget that's not true of everyone!

Of course, some of those risky activities can be a lot of fun...!